by James White

Avoiding the Pitfalls

Like any human process, grieving has its dangers, its pitfalls. There are little trap doors here, little detours there, that can make us waste precious time and energy. A little forewarning can help us to keep on the straight and narrow and arrive at our destination in the best possible time.

Some of the topics addressed below are theological, some deal with our emotions, and some are downright practical. But they all speak to realities experienced by grieving people every day.

You Can't Go Back

One of the most insidious and dangerous aspects of grief can be summed up in one quotation: "I just want to get back to the way I was." Now, that line may not strike you as particularly bad at the first reading, but I have found the attitude it expresses to be one of the most difficult things to address in grief counseling. I have met people whose grief was being prolonged unnecessarily because they could not see the trap that lays behind those words.

You see, six months from now you will be a different person than you are today. You will grow, learn, and change-maybe not a lot, but the difference will be there. You see, none of us can "get back to" where we were "before." Time marches on, as they say, and while we often joke about the fact that we are all aging, the fact is that we are also all changing. It is the inevitable result of living life.

A person who loses a loved one may begin to look back upon life "before" and start to see it in the most glowing colors. "Things were so good back then" they are tempted to think. "If I can just make things like they were back then." Many times I've discovered that in reality things were not all that "good" back then, but that isn't the issue anymore. The desire to restore things to "normal" and to "be the person I once was" becomes the driving factor in the thinking of the bereaved person.

You need to spend some time thinking about a simple fact: you can't get back to where you "were." Even if you could have your loved one back, you would still be a different person than you once were. Of course, you can't have your loved one back, so getting "back" is not possible. You are a changed person. Your world has changed. That is the reality before you, and as a believer, it is a reality that has come into your life through the wise, though often inscrutable, providence of God. He will give you the grace to handle your new situation, but you need to face the fact that this new situation exists. If you continue to seek to get "back" you will unnecessarily prolong the grieving process. Eventually you will realize the truth that you and your world have been changed-grief has a way of proving this to us-but it is far better to make that decision on your own so that you can move ahead.

Many struggle with accepting their new reality and the changed person they have become because of their loss. If we did not believe that God is in control and that all things work to our good (Romans 8:28) we might well have a real problem here. But again the believer has the security in grief that comes from knowing God and His promises. We know that in all things God is working to conform us to the image of Christ, and we can be confident, even when we can't see the how, that in our pain and sorrow, we are being made more like Christ, who Himself was known as the Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3).

It's OK to Be Happy

It's been four months since the loss. You've managed to drag yourself out of the house and joined some friends for an evening of bowling. You let one fly and manage to get just the right spin on the ball! A strike! You spin around and let out a yell, hands in the air. You're the best! And then, like a lightning bolt out of the blue, you find yourself feeling . . . guilty! Yes, guilty for enjoying life, guilty for being happy, because that other person is not there with you.

Others feel the same things, but have the added idea that if I continue on with my life, and enjoy the world around me, I am, somehow, showing some kind of "disrespect" for the person who has died. It is almost as if my sadness is being seen as a memorial to the lost loved one.

If you've experienced such feelings, you are not alone. Many report feelings of guilt in such situations. "How can I ever be happy again when I feel like this?" Like so much in grief, this feeling is anything but logical. In our heads we know that the loved one we have lost would be the first one to desire our happiness. They would not want us to be afraid to experience joy. But the head is eighteen inches from the heart, and what our minds know does not always translate into how our emotions respond.

Joy is a normal human emotion. It is also a part of God's will for our lives. While you may think right now that you will never experience real joy again, that simply is not the case. It is not God's will that His people live in utter despondency throughout their lives. Joy is the heritage of the godly, and as time passes and as you transition into the acceptance of who you are in the full light of your loss, you will be able to experience joy with more frequency, and most importantly, without guilt. There will come a day when you will settle in your mind the reality that it's OK to be happy. Remember Psalm 30:5, "For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning."

Our Society and Death

I have commented a number of times already on how poorly our society handles the topic of death. That unwillingness to be honest with this part of human existence can present problems to the person who is undergoing the process of grief.

Americans are, by and large, afraid of talking about death. While we show it on our televisions and movie screens with frightening regularity, we almost never really deal with it. People die all the time in movies, but how often is the pain and resultant portrayed? When the movie Sleepless in Seattle came out (a movie that accurately portrays many of the emotions and feelings that accompany the death of one's spouse), people were touched from coast to coast, only proving how unusual such an honest treatment of this subject really is.

So deep is our aversion to honest dialogue about death that we have come up with dozens of ways of saying "death" without really saying death. We cover over the reality with euphemisms, and do everything in our power to move on to another subject as quickly as possible.

Some in our culture are even trying to do away with the funeral for the simple reason that it forces us to face mortality with a bit too much honesty. Many are the folks who do not think that children should be exposed to death and funerals, a viewpoint with which I take tremendous issue. It was not long ago that most funerals took place right within the family home, with generations in attendance. People understood that death was a reality that we would all face, and we were a much better culture for it, too. Your priorities tend to be impacted by such things, and that in a very positive direction.

A society filled with wise men and women would be a society that would understand these words from the Scriptures: "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, because that is the end of every man, and the living takes it to heart (Ecclesiastes 7:2). As it is, we run the other direction, and prefer never to spend a moment in the house of mourning, though by so doing, we would be reminded (to our eternal benefit) that we are all mortal, and that what is important in this life is what we do for God and how we love each other. The crass materialism of our land would suffer greatly if we were to think this way, but we would be a stronger people for it.

Sadly, because we do not talk about death and are not willing to think about its results, many in our culture are uncomfortable in the presence of a person who is in sorrow. "I don't know what to say" is often what we hear. The result of this is that many a grieving person feels shut out, abandoned, and alone. Even if the bereaved person is not actually seeking to be isolated, isolation can take place anyway. Even close friends can seem "distant" simply because they, like most others in our culture, are facing an "unknown" thing. This is particularly true if they have not yet lost someone very close to them. Those who have gone through the process are often the ones who are most helpful to us. In fact, this is exactly what Paul meant when he spoke of our comforting others with the comfort we ourselves received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Feelings of abandonment and rejection only add to the depth of sadness we experience while grieving. If you, by God's grace, have a friend or relative who has the wisdom and experience to walk alongside you as you grieve, not to talk your ear off, but simply to be there, you should count yourself as tremendously blessed.

The Problem of Holidays

One major pitfall that often "sneaks up" on people is the matter of holidays. It was a regular aspect of the grief support group I headed up for a number of years: the numbers would be two to three times larger during and right after the holidays than they were in the Fall. Why? Because holidays are often one of the hardest times for the person in grief.

More than once I heard stories that ran along the same line. The family gathers for Thanksgiving, for example. Mom makes the turkey, as she has always done. Everyone gathers at the table, the meal is laid out, and then, as if everyone had been sleepwalking up to this point, the terrible realization sets in: Dad isn't here to cut the turkey. In fact, someone, out of habit, set Dad's place at the table, and no one is even willing to sit there, let alone pick up the knife to start cutting. Someone starts weeping. A child runs from the table. The day is ruined, and no one will ever forget what happened.

Holidays are filled with pitfalls and traps like these. No other time has so many traditions, so many memories. Did the person who has died trim the tree at Christmas? Did they have a special New Year's tradition? What will we do this year? How will we handle it?

Indeed, any family gathering after a loss can harbor such difficult issues. Many families struggle with the issue of whether they will, or will not, "talk about him or her." People walk around as if on eggshells, trying (in vain, normally) to avoid "messing up" and mentioning "that person." Tensions can run high, and many wear their emotions on their sleeves.

And holidays are not alone in packing hidden dangers: birthdays, anniversaries, and any special day associated with the loved one who has died, are potential emotional "bombs" just waiting to go off.

All of these difficult situations can be handled through the use of one word: communication. We must talk with our families about these things. We dare not run headlong into the holidays, for example, without first investing some energy in planning and preparation. Who is going to do the things that Dad used to do? Which of our family traditions are we going to change, which are we going to put on a temporary "hold" (say, for a couple of years), and which are we going to continue? Simply taking the time to pick up the phone and call the principle parties who will be involved in such gatherings can save you and your family a lot of needless heartache, I assure you.

As much as we might wish it could be, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and family gatherings, are going to come to us in time. The calendar will bring them to us inevitably. We can't take away all the pain these days will bring. The first Christmas will be rough, no matter how much preparation you put forth. You will notice that empty chair, that missing person, and the whole day will be marked as "our first Christmas without. . . ." If you have lost the love of your life, your spouse, that first anniversary will be a dark day, no two ways about it. But still the calendar will bring that day around, and even if you plan for it, prepare for it, it will still hurt, it will still bring sorrow and tears. Till the end of your life that day will be poignant. God made us that way. If you go into these situations aware of what is coming your direction, you will at least be prepared. The pain won't go away, but you can have your support system ready to handle the strain.

Turning Inward

Finally, one special pitfall for the believer who is grieving has to do with the matter of selfishness. Grief turns us inward upon ourselves and our own pain, and rightly so, to a point. It is our world that has been torn apart, and we do need time to ourselves to put things back together again. But as with all other emotions, we tend to go overboard. The inward bent of grief can result in simple selfishness and a focus upon self rather than upon Christ and His purposes in my life.

But even here the Christian has the advantage of never being alone in grief. If we share our sorrows in prayer with Christ, we have an ever-present means of combating selfishness and the problems that come with it. As we cast our burdens upon Him we are forced to look away from ourselves and our own pain. We are made to look up and out rather than down and in. And by this means the Lord can keep us from becoming self-centered in our attitudes and actions.

Having looked at just a few of the pitfalls inherent in the grieving process, we need to look now at some of the "tough questions" that we face as believers when dealing with death and its results.

Return to the Autumn Dawn Middleton Memorial.