Grief: God's Way of Healing the Heart

by James White

The Patterns of Grief - Continued

One might wonder how shame fits into this. Sometimes it comes in the form of shame for not having "done more," even when there wasn't anything more we could have done. This would be pretty much the same as "second guessing." Parents who lose children often feel ashamed of themselves as parents, thinking that if they had just "been there" they could have prevented the death. But others speak of shame in the sense that they now feel "outcast." Their identity was so much defined by the other person (this is especially true of widows) that they now feel like an unknown person. Their friends are uncomfortable around them because of the loss, and now they feel ashamed.

But the difference between the upward spiral and the downward one is seen in the addition of "fear" to the downward side. A person who is becoming isolated is liable to fear many things. Fear feeds on isolation, and isolation feeds on fear. When we are separated from those around us, we begin to fear everyone and everything. Every person I have ever counseled who had become trapped in the cycle experienced fear, especially of the future. Widows are especially subject to this kind of problem. For them the future is a dark morass, and many have no desire whatsoever to press on with life.

The believer again has the promise of God that He holds the future in His hand, that He has a purpose in each one's life, and that He will never leave nor forsake them. The strong light of His love can pierce the blackest darkness we see ahead of us, and His hand can guide us through the difficulties of life, and even of death itself. The Christian is not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). The Spirit who dwells within us raised Jesus Christ from the dead, and He can surely bear us up through our trials and difficulties. As Paul reminded us, "For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'" (Romans 8:15).

Anger

Anger is arguably the strongest human emotion. It is certainly the most dangerous in the grieving process. Almost everyone experiences anger when faced with the loss of a loved one. That anger is often expressed toward others, sometimes with reason, sometimes without. Anger would be naturally expressed against the drunk driver who kills a child or spouse. But how do we deal with anger when cancer is the culprit? How can one be "angry" with cancer? We often express that anger toward family and friends, resulting in many a ruptured relationship. We might turn the anger in upon ourselves, berating ourselves for some unspoken word, some unresolved conflict. And we all must admit that at times we are angry with God. Yes, even believers can feel anger toward God for their loss, and anyone who says otherwise just isn't being honest. Thankfully, God is big enough to handle our anger and our tough questions.

And we should also mention the fact that, surprising as it is to many, there are folks who feel anger toward the person who has died. I have seen people in a grief counseling group gasp when I mentioned this, and say, "I didn't think anyone else had ever felt like that! I've been so ashamed that I've been angry at my husband for leaving me, when I know that such thinking is irrational and foolish!" At times we get angry that our loved one "didn't take care of himself," and hence hastened death. Or that person "was always doing dangerous things." Or often a widow will feel anger at being left alone, unable to do some of the most basic things in life. She may feel anger that he didn't "prepare" things better, or that her life-long dreams of what "old-age" was going to be like have been shattered by his death. We hate to admit it, but we get angry when our dreams are taken away from us, and we will express that anger in one way or another.

Anger must be dealt with. It cannot be ignored. Anger is a very strong emotion, and if left to itself, will trap us in destructive attitudes and viewpoints. The Christian has a means of dealing with anger, for the opposite of anger is love, and the resources of love available to the person redeemed in Christ is inexhaustible. The salve for anger is forgiveness, and since the believer has been forgiven in Christ, he or she can likewise forgive. We will talk more about this later.

Anger will also express itself in irritability. Grieving makes us emotionally vulnerable on many fronts, and this is certainly one of them. We take offense at the slightest statement. I can't count how many people have spoken to me about what "Joel said to Cathy at the viewing" or how "Bob treated Mary's family so shabbily" after the funeral. We need to realize that everyone who is impacted by the death is in emotional turmoil and is therefore likely to take offense at things that otherwise would be overlooked. Sometimes we say things we don't mean to say or express thoughts that we otherwise would keep to ourselves. All of this adds up to a very explosive situation, and many a family can testify to the aftermath. While it would be nice if everyone went into the situation with the realization that they are going to need to be very patient, very few grieving people are concerned about working on their patience at that moment. One negative side of grief is that it focuses us inward upon ourselves, often leading to lapses of patience and gentleness with those around us.

The downward spiral of grief replaces irritability, which is a passing thing, with animosity, which speaks to an attitude over time. Animosity is the natural result of isolation and fear. A frightened animal will lash out at any perceived danger. A person who has become isolated and who is experiencing fear will often react in animosity toward others. Anger, the battery acid of emotions, begins to eat away at the very fabric of the person's soul, and surely such a situation expresses itself toward those who are outside the ever-shrinking and dark world of such a person's mind. That is why anger must be dealt with and cannot be ignored. Left to itself, it causes great damage.

Sadness

The upward spiral of grief separates from the downward version in moving to those times of sadness and mourning that most people associate with the loss of a loved one. Sometimes the sadness can be particularly intense and debilitative. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will often bring on intense sadness and grief. But sometimes we just don't know why we find ourselves sitting around and crying, unable, or unwilling, to do anything at all.

But sadness can also be "chronic," in the sense of that feeling deep down in the chest that won't go away. It doesn't keep us from getting things done, but it certainly saps our strength and joy. It's not the first thing on our mind, but it's always there in the background, just beyond our touch. We find ourselves thinking about it when we should be doing something else, or it will intrude itself into our thoughts at inopportune times. It makes solemn moods deeper, and pulls happy times down just a bit. We know it is there, but we can't seem to do anything about it.

If you are in the midst of grief right now, you may not believe what I am about to say, but it is true nonetheless. Over time, if you are facing your sadness and dealing with those issues that must be handled, these periods of sadness, and that dull ache in your chest, will diminish in intensity and duration, and, eventually, they will go away. Yes, as I said before, you may well shed a tear and feel that old sadness many years down the road, but there is hope at the end of the tunnel. While the process does not go as fast as popular opinion would have us to believe, it does reach a point of resolution, eventually.

Resentment/Bitterness

The downward spiral of grief includes one phase that is not found in the upward version in any form: resentment and bitterness. It is easy to see why: if we have avoided isolation, fear, and animosity, we will not be lead into resentment and bitterness. But the next logical step in that chain is a hardened attitude that can bring nothing but deep and abiding sadness and despair (the final phase on this downward spiral). Since issues have been left unresolved, since friends have been kept at arms length, and since anger has been eating away at the heart, a set attitude of resentment of others and their happiness, and bitterness toward the world at large, can set in. I have, sadly, met more than one person who in their old age is resentful and bitter toward anyone and everyone, and, upon doing some digging, I discovered that such a person had experienced a deep loss earlier in life, and they had never allowed grief to do what God intends it to do. As a result, they have become hardened, difficult, unloving individuals. It is not a pretty picture.

The Key to The Patterns of Grief

The end of the downward spiral is despair. What is the opposite of despair? It is a four letter word, the key, I truly believe, for any person who wishes to work through grief and experience yet once again the fullness of life and its joys. For the Christian, it is the one thing that separates him or her from those who do not know Christ. It is a wonderful word called hope.

Hope is the key to the grieving process. It is what makes the difference between being in the downward spiral, headed to despair, and the upward one, leading to acceptance of one's loss and the ability to once again love and rejoice and feel with all of one's heart. Hope will determine which direction a person will travel, and how fully a person will experience the healing power of the grieving process. This was Paul's point in writing to the Thessalonians, for he well knew the role of hope in the Christian life. It is the power that keeps one going, the fuel that runs the engine of the soul, the medicine that brings healing to a wounded heart. It gives strength to face an uncertain future, for it looks not to its own resources, but to Christ's abilities.

When we have hope we do not isolate ourselves from family, friends, or God's people. When we have hope for the future we do not live in fear, but in anticipation of God's continuing to work in our lives. When we have hope we do not develop a hard edge of anger toward others. It is what rescues us from the pitfalls and dangers of grief. It makes grief a means of healing rather than a means of snaring us in sadness.

At times even a Christian will despair of hope. There might be those long dark nights when our hearts ache the most that our hope seems to have vanished. But hope and faith are the works of the Spirit in a person's heart, and God will be faithful to those who are His. While the flame of hope may grow dim and seem to have gone out, it will flare up yet again in the hearts of those who have by grace known Christ.

It's Not Too Late

Are you on the downward spiral? It's not too late. Yes, the grieving process has been elongated, so to speak, for you. But that is in the past. The issue now is pressing forward in the right direction. What can you do?

First, have you cut yourself off from the very sources God intended to be of assistance to you? Are you isolated from others? If so, why? Can you reach out to the support system of friends, family, and church? In the rare instance where you are isolated by geographical location, can you find other ways to have fellowship with others? And most importantly, have you isolated yourself from God, as well? When we have no one else in this world we always have God, and He will bear you up, if you will let Him.

Have you sought to artificially shorten your grief by refusing to deal with important aspects of the process? Ask God to strengthen you to deal with those things that you know you have avoided.

Above all, simply recognizing your condition is the most important step in reversing your direction and getting on the right track. Such an admission on your part indicates an honesty that will help you to deal with fear, animosity and despair. Those who have started downward on the spiral can reverse direction and head the right direction. Hope is the key. Hope accepts the promises of God and trusts in Him. That is the means of your deliverance.

Read the next chapter.

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